RROFL
This sounds like someone I know~
(662): Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I never knew that texters were such heavy drinkers
OMFG! How's they get my crackberry!?!?!
(917) Next time bring the tequila
(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
(602): OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Zem sent me this one:
(914): saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
And this one:
(717): You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Ahahahahaha
What can I say? I have skillz!
P.S. I also sent you the tequila one 
(650): Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
lmao
You can never have too much of either! 
I'm *so* canceling text from my provider.
(813): My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I think JMZ sent this one to his ex-wife~
(208): I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'd have to kick her in the ass after so she'd have a matching pair.
(301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
(443): We using my standards or yours?
Sound familiar?
(650): Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
haha - I can safely say I have never hit that low.
(732): so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
(386): it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
may have hit that low before.
Please tell me that didn't involve a pudding cup...
Ahahahaha
Dis not me~
(203): i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
(214): I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had. (972): I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
(810): I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
lmao
ML to Zem or visa versa?
(413): I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There's no one I'd rather be a cougar with when the time comes. 
Yeah. When the time comes.
lmao
I'll be your wing girl!
This one works well~
(225): you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!? (504): im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Christ, they get worse every day
(408): carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit. (415): be there in 3 mins
Oh man, this one should win an award, LMAO
(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have to close this, I'm laughing like crazy and getting looks. 
(916): put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
(360): i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
(206):'
(360): he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
This site is always good for a laugh
(902): My brain says no but my pants say off.
(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Agreed. That one holds the title for WTF!!!OMG!!!
Jesus H.
People need to do a search before submitting shiz a second time when their first attempt get's deleted.
(310): Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
lmao
(710): So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Aha. So whose, then?
Ahahahahaha
(631): If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
(678): Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
(808): how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
(210): S P E L L C H E C K
(808): No you dumbass thats not right
(504): Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown
(703): It's like God shit irony all over that family
(6008): Spent thirty minutes trying to wee in a cup for my STD test. If only I got that shy with boys I wouldn't be in this predicament
(650): I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
(204): I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
That way I won't have to be googling 'pokemon orgy'...
a) LOL
b) I'm so adding that quote to my quick text list.
That avatar is seriously disturbing. He and Aunt Bunny should hook up...
/rubbing belly - Eets seeexy. Don't ya just wanna comb it?
Nope. Pop it mebbe.
Edit: Oops, reply s/b to TC.
It's his turn to carry the twins.
LOL Because she carried them for 9 months, and he has to do the over-time...
The fuel tank makes it easier for me - the twins can sorta sit on it.
*I don't think this ones lasting long
The twins are using it as a vacation getaway.
It really is an eyesore. I can't even look at it. At least Ms. Bunny was just chins. *shudders*
(314): i wish starbucks made bloody marys
(206): got weed?
(425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
(206): sorry mom...
Friggin' dying laughing!
(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
LOL
(516): i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
^5's - k i'm done
(712): The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Man I love this site.
(770): I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Yeah. I never get tired of posting to it.
(651): So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
(404): Ben's a prick.
(1-404): What Ben are you talking about?
(404): All the bens across all the lands
That is all.
LMAO!
Have I mentioned I love you?
(901): oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass (901): fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
(512): You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
(763): She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The shame
( 61):She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
(919): i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
fOx
(503): it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers
fOx
Those 2 are among my favorites!
Sorry Maude... I just keep digging up gold.
(901): can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
fOx
(248): I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It's happened before...
(321): I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
(717): this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
fOx
(630): I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I can top that...
(781): She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
(617): Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
fOx
(403): She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
(802): Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Hey! What's this? A really funny one that has nothing to do with sex and/or drinking?
((704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A
Can they do that?
This place never disappoints.
(310): i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
(425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
(214): He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
lmao
(248): I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
(917): He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Even better~
(404): If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
(440): oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
(757): i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
(813): Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
(918): Five things that make you perfect. Go.
(1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
(703): BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
MV comment # 100. Can we resubmit this link and start over?
kthxbai
(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
(917): i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
(619): DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Hey ML
(805): Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
(910): Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
(804): no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
(905): me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
(917): i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
(970): i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
(636): Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
(804): And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is that penis shaped or penis flavored?
(325): That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
(612): Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
This one made laugh out loud~
(202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
(727): I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Me to Zem or Zem to me? Commence guessing...
(515): You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
(1-515): Deal!
(317): honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
(706): the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
LMAO
(973): I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
(850): Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Wasn't me!
Maude, Maude, Maude...
(630): You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
(715): i wish peter jackson would direct porn
(615): Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Marriage material.
(480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
HAHA - rereading the ones that have been posted and this right here made me LOL.
(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
(601): they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
(443): you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
(251): just found the deal breaker
(1-251): hairy back?
(251): he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
(317): Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
(618): so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
(216): Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
(717): I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
(573): I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
(573): Found more tequila
(207): Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
(515): you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
(954): I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
(503): I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
(908): i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
(570): I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
(603): you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
(303): I don't like the word whore. I prefer the term penis enthusiast.
(919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
(860): Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
In my... we'll call them less educated years, I used to eat beer and Cheerios for breakfast.
Good times... good times. 
Cheerios - delicious. Beer - delicious. Nuff said.
(813): Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
(413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
(214): 1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
LMAO
(646): I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The BEST!
(512): At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
fOx
(570): Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
(717): So for us it's double that?
(570): Precisely.
Only double?
You got me thinking. Doing some rough math it might be closer to 2.5 times that, but any more and I am pretty sure your liver would assplode.
Have you taken into account how long I'm going to live?
13248/70 (total drinking years)= 189.25714285714285714285714285714 X 2.5 = 473.14285714285714285714285714286
That means less than 1.3 beers per day over the course of my drinking life...
I think I can do it...
"1.3 beers per day" - Oh hell I got that covered and then some.
Never said I was good at math. Now drinkin at that rate I gots covered fo shizzle.
Please note that the rate above is for somebody (like me) whose drinking career will span 7 decades. It's a longevity thing - the women in my family all live into their 90's.
(301): i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
(518): The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
(925): I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
(813): Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ahahahahaha
(410): hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
(740): Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my kind of girl
(954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
(574): its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I almost caught a glimpse of a snow flake today... almost.
It snowed here on Saturday. 
See above comment to TC!
(707): tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sounds like a Canadian party~
(617): were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
(765): you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That's my girl!
(626): He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
lmao
(443): Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
(336): Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You know ML, changing the area code doesn't disguise your submissions. 
(919949): I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
(913): I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
901):
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
(662):
I think college has really matured you.
(703): I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
(630): hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
(203): I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i dont like the new interface.
I agree. Nothing pisses me off more than a website fucking up the entire look and making it....
...ahhh, nvrmd
(757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
ahahahaha
Jesus H.
This one just made me choke on a sip of water.
(513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
(1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
(845): Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
(254): There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
(563): The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
ZemRrushe
(310): I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls (415): Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?