May 09, 06 12:13 am — in an alternate galaxy


Living and working in teh NYC is no easy task, even for our heroine, ZemRrushe. 2006 was starting off to be another great year for her when she heard about something that would change her life forever.

In May there would be a week long event staring the most dreamy, magical man to set foot in the City that Never Sleeps - David Blaine. David would spend a week in a globe filled with water in Lincoln Center, all the while not taking a dump or eating. Sure, it's big news - who can go a week without crapping.

As the record breaking milestone drew closer, Zem thought of taking vacation in the beginning of May to observe the earth shattering feat. Then she thought of getting a different job at the Second Class 'Center' of the Big Apple (Lincoln Center) and leaving her cushy, swiveling, rocking, rolling chair with headsets and cappucino and bagles and top-of-the-line laser printers at her cushy job at some sort of fantastic firm in Rockefeller Center run by a Camel. It was a tug-of-war of epic proportions as she contemplated this upcoming event.

The week came. Zem took vacation. She threw her cell phone off the Empire State Building so she wouldn't be interrupted. She thought to herself "If David can stay underwater for 177+ hours, I can surely stay there and watch every waking moment of it."

She stocked up on Red Bull & Lindt Wafers and headed up the Link, leaving Times Square and the buzz of the Rock behind for however long it took. Fuck the Camel.

The first 24 hours were great. She went up and gave David Blaine high fives and cuddles through the gigantic glass globe that would house her Soulmate for the next 7 days. It was obvious that he was glad she was there.

On Thursday morning while she was doing her Yoga as the sun was rising in front of the massive water-trap that housed her love, David seemed to get a second wind which would make it easy for him to finish the task he had set out in front of himself to set some sort of obscene record and further accomplish his goal of becoming the Worlds Biggest Attentin Whore. He signaled to her to get him an espresso from Starbucks. She got 2 and while she drank hers she dumped the other one out signaling it was for him like a gangster pours out a 40 for his fallen nigga. His energy was refueled.

The following Monday was the big day when David would attempt to break the World Record for holding one's breath. It was driving Zem crazy. She was so afraid that her dream of marrying and living with the world's best street performer could come to an end. At 9:30 A.M. she decided to call it quits and give up on David. She left Stuart Scott and the doctors and the TV crews and the hordes of screaming fans and went back to her apartment, buying some sushi on the way, never thinking of David Blaine again.

Later that night, she found out that he didn't break the record for holding his breath, having fallen over a minute shy of the existing record. "What a loser" she thought, glad that she didn't waste any more than 170 hours on this attempt at false fame of some schmuck who's entire body was more wrinkly than one of those Chinese dogs that's on those posters that every 7 year old has.

"I can sleep well tonight," she thought, "What was i thinking? What a waste of a week."

2 weeks later David Blaine would attempt several times to call ZemRrushe. She would not return his calls.

David Blaine, distraught from his biggest groupie leaving his side, then set out to plan his next asinine feat that would win him the heart of the Thwappiest chick alive. He would jump off the tallest building in the world and land 'soft as a feather' and live. Unfortuneately for him, in June of 2009 he would fail miserably and become one of the larges grease spots ever.

The end.