Nov 23, 04 03:41 am — I gotta let this all out so I'll do it systematically.

1. Premise.

I am a cheater.

I cheat on the women I date despite my outwardly disgust of infidelity in general. I would beat the living shit out of a friend if he cheated on a geniunely good woman, and me and my other friends have had to do so in numerous occasions (one of which was husband wife situation). However I am a cheater.

2. Why?

I believe in love, I seriously do in all honestly I have tasted the crest, the bitches busom, the cock of christ, the full love of another woman. It was wonderful it was incredible.

I cheat because I have probably subconscious narcissitic tendencies, but self-depreciating when being modest. No woman is perfect, a single slight would cause me to call her best friend, fuck her and come home. It's simple really, I live in a city where sex comes to an Asian incredibly easy. If I wasn't Chinese and so good looking I'd do men, if I had to show I could find something, someone else to relieve the tension. You don't put out? Fine I'll fire up craigslist and look for a lady who wants a guy who gives great oral and likes to take it in the ass while having a dildo shoved in her pussy. It's not hard at all, I do it because I can. Inciting jealousy in a woman is the last thing I want to do. So as vain as I am I know exactly how to please myself and no one else can, the Oscar Wilde approach...people are dolls of flesh for sex.

3. Critical assesment.

What if it is the woman's fault? I doubt it, cheating is a childish way to exert your control over your significant other. You overstep that boundary of fidelity and it gives you "that" much leverage over the commitment. Yes I want my cake and eat it too, and I am eating that fucking cake whether you like it or not, hell it's probably not even cake half the time.

It is never the woman's fault. Tell yourself a self-assuring lie enough times and you'll start to believe it. For me the lie is, I am a motherfucking asshole. I want control, but I will not exert it by slapping the fuck out of her or pulling a psycho dad and kicking her down a flight of stairs for kicks. No, I want leverage in the one game women have men beat on...the mind game.

It is already unfair for us men who already are born with an extremely rigid sexual identity, men who can't even cross the line into androgyny without fear of ridicule that we have to face off against women in a battle for balance within any relationship, platonic or sexual. Men would tell themselves day by day that they are not victims of their own instinct, good luck proving it. About half the day I am spent doing thing motivating myself towards either sticking my dick in a warm pussy (40%), securing food (30%), jarking off (20%), research study (5%), and job obligations (5%).

Think of being a heroin addict walking into coffee shops and swiping the tips jar. They do it for credits towards their next fix of the junk, for me a sexual addiction is not hard to live with.

Leverage in the mind game... that's a huge part of it, sex is the bonus, seeing a bitch tear herself apart because she was too dense to figure it out incredible, the cartharsis is just about as satisfying as an hour long orgasm.

...okay I am making progress with myself at least.

4. Recapitulation.

Some way to damage the woman in an emotional war game. For me I had a woman set another girls purse on fire at a club, slash the tires on someone elses scooter, had flaming hot pizza thrown at my friends face, found entire CD collections out in the snow freezing in the middle of Illinois. It is living breathing proof of hope when a batshit insane bitch loses her cool. The irrationale of a woman is soothing.

I just want control because I am a perfectionist, narcissistic, inconsiderate fucking asshole. That is why I cheat. Women aren't perfect at all, I love making it a game to cause confusion in their already confused minds. Nothing more.

Currently I am dating a nice girl from the conservatory of music, lets hope I don't stray again.

Nobodyfamous "NF" Nobodyfamous.

[journal edited by nobodyfamous on 2004:11:23 03:50:53]